Victim Mentality
Victim mentality is a learned behavior that starts when we are children. When we would get upset for whatever the reason was, our caregivers would respond with something like “did that little boy make you sad?” or “That was mean of suzy, she shouldn’t say those things” and usually try to comfort us and help us feel better. This works as a kid because kids need to form healthy attachment bonds with their loved ones and kids need help regulating their emotions, but our brain remembers how great it feels to have someone make you feel better and validate your emotions. Eventually though as we get older the brain thinks it’s everyone else’s job to make you feel better, which is very disempowering. We all have felt like a victim at one time or another in our life. Where we felt wronged by another person or that life just wasn’t fair.
Most of the time victim mentality developed over time and stems from low self-esteem and a lack of understanding that our thoughts are more powerful than we give them credit for. Usually the person struggling with victim mentality is afraid to take responsibility for their own wants, desires, thoughts, emotions, and results. They question whether they deserve it, while at the same time feeling entitled to someone giving it to them, kind of like when they were little. The person struggling with victim mentality has a tendency to be a people pleaser as well, never saying “No” because they feel guilty, while simultaneously building resentment towards the person or persons wanting, needing their help. The good news is that this is a learned behavior so we can unlearn it, this type of thinking as an adult keeps you stuck in emotional childhood and doesn’t serve you anymore. It holds you back!
Victim mentality leads you to blame others or external things for how you act, feel and for the results you get in life. Someone stuck in victim mentality will find it hard to express and process negative emotions which leads to hopelessness, helplessness and is very disempowering. Other things that lead to a victim mentality is something called the manual “An operations guide” that you have consciously or unconsciously made for “how” the people in your life “should” show up. When they show up in a way that negatively impacts you, you believe you have been wronged in some way and you feel entitled to sympathy from others. Feeling sorry for yourself can feel good and can be addicting especially when it is validated by others, it feels totally justified and our brain loves feeling justified even if it doesn’t serve us. This can become a strong cycle as the brain seeks for proof or justification on how people in our lives have wronged us.
In a marriage where there are two people with two different brains It’s easy to miscommunicate and feel hurt if we don’t take responsibility for ourselves. We make mistakes and we grapple with different urges, thoughts and emotions. Our spouse then can interpret those however they want based on their own belief systems and their brain may kindly fill in the blanks with unhelpful stories and assumptions, which can add fuel to the fire if we don’t each take responsibility for our parts. Sometimes we choose to make it mean that our spouse doesn’t think we are good enough, or that they don’t love us the way they should etc…. and we enter into victim mentality by placing the blame on our spouse. We feel justified in our hurting and we cling on to it, in hopes that our spouse will make us feel better “because after all it’s their job to make us happy and they are the ones who hurt us, so they have to fix it.” This type of thinking really mostly just hurts us. It prevents us from connecting with and forgiving our spouse. It prevents us from opening up and being vulnerable and trusting with our spouse and in turn isolates us more and further proves to our brain that we aren’t enough. Another vicious cycle, when we could just say “ I am feeling insecure and worried that maybe I am not enough for you” opening up and giving our spouse the opportunity to connect with us on a deeper more emotional level.
The reality is “Most people can’t even make themselves happy, never mind someone else. Whether they realize it or not, most people don’t want to spend all their time and energy trying to make others happy because they are trying to manage their own emotional life. Delegating that responsibility to someone you love can affect the relationship in a deep and painful way.”-(Life Coach School). When you do this repeatedly you build a giant wall that keeps your spouse out and then you wonder why you don’t have a connection with him or her anymore, you make it mean that they don’t love you and they aren’t trying hard enough. You believe deep down that they really don’t want to be with you or that maybe you don’t really want to be with them if they can’t “make you happy”, so every fight or negative interaction just separates you more and more. This leads to separation, divorce, affairs, buffering with social media, pornography, alcohol, eating etc… and disconnects you as a couple when all you crave is connection and love.
The quickest way to stop being a victim in your life is awareness and taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, actions and results. When you realize it’s not everyone else’s job to make you happy, you take your power back.
When you realize you have struggled with victim mentality also remember that grace for yourself goes along way. This behavior can be changed to a healthier one if you give yourself love and time. You got this!
Love, Linds