Unhealthy Comparison and Perfectionism
A couple weeks ago I was asked to speak at my church on unhealthy comparison and perfectionism. This is a something that Satan uses daily on God’s children whether you go to church or not. I see it in every client and I struggle with it myself. Being able to speak on this topic allowed me to evaluate my own life and see where I was still struggling with this and honestly I saw it in my business. I all; but have stopped working on it because I was comparing myself to others and my perfectionism was keeping me from just putting my words out there. I was so grateful for the opportunity though and I hope to come back and read this often when I feel myself getting pulled back into the scheming lies of the adversary. So here is my talk:
“In Elder Vern P. Stanfills talk “the imperfect harvest” he shares a story about his growing up in Montana on his parent’s farm.
His parents had a lot of worries over their farm the crops, the animals, the machines, the weather etc… most things they had very little control of.
As Elder Stanfills got older he would help his dad more and gained a bigger perspective on the stresses his parents faced. One day his dad pulled out the grain combine. He began adjusting it so that he could collect as much grain as possible.
Elder Stanfills trying to help and pretending to know what he was doing he bent and picked up some grain that the combine had missed.
With a critical look he showed his father. His father responded, “it is good enough and the best this machine can do”. Elder Stanfills wasn’t satisfied with this answer and continued to think upon it. A short time later when the weather turned cold, He noticed the thousands of swans, geese and ducks that descended on the fields and ate every remaining piece of grain. Not one piece was lost from their imperfect harvest. God had perfected it.
He goes on to say “It is often a temptation in our world and even within the culture of the Church to obsess about perfection. Social media, unrealistic expectations, and often our own self-criticism create feelings of inadequacy—that we are not good enough and never will be. Some even misunderstand the invitation of the Savior to “be ye therefore perfect.”
Remember that perfectionism is not the same as being perfected in Christ. Perfectionism requires an impossible, self-inflicted standard that compares us to others. This causes guilt and anxiety and can make us want to withdraw and isolate ourselves.” End quote
One of Satan’s greatest lies is that things should be different than they are”
This unsettling thought has the power to cause so much damage within us and our relationships. He uses this lie to keep us in the gap, instead of seeing the gains.
When see the gaps in ourselves and our relationships and desire for something better, are we doing it with criticism, shame, guilt, inadequacy, anger or disdain?
or are we hopeful, excited, motivated, full of love and empowered.
Do we want to do better with love in our hearts or do we want to do “better” because we are feeling like we are “not enough”.
Learning to discern where your motivation comes from is important because one comes from Satan and one comes from the Lord.
God’s way will always lift us and help us to do better. It will feel loving and empowering. You will want to do it from a place of abundance and love.
Satan will try to push us down while flooding our minds with judgments, criticism and an insatiable desire to do more. We will never feel good enough and we will feel emotionally exhausted.
Something I tell my clients is. “We cannot hate ourselves into better.”
Dieter f Uchtdorf said Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught:
“I believe the Savior Jesus Christ would want you to see, feel, and know that He is your strength. That with His help, there are no limits to what you can accomplish. That your potential is limitless. He would want you to see yourself the way He sees you. And that is very different from the way the world sees you. … “end quote
Often that is hard to really comprehend as humans with earthly brains and bodies. At least it is for me. I really relate to Peter when Christ is approaching the disciple’s boat, walking on the stormy water. They were frightened and he could see this, so he calls out to them and say’s “Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.”
Peter decides “you know I want to test this”. So Peter answered him and said, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.”
“And Jesus said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
“But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
“And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?”
He took his eyes from Christ, he took his mind and heart off of Christ for that quick moment and immediately sank. But Christ responded faster than a man sinking through water ( which is pretty darn fast)and immediately caught Peter by the hand when he cried out for help.
How many of us can relate? We may feel excited and limitless one minute but then take our eyes from Christ, Everywhere else we turn we see limits or feel bound by something.
But maybe part of our journey on This earth is to learn by experience, by pushing and stretching our LIMITING BELIEFS in ourselves and in the Savior.
We are given multiple examples in the scriptures of times when Christ pushed the bounds of his human body and performed miracles, but are they just miracles that rarely ever happen or are they examples of what is possible when we stretch our faith and ask him to help us make up the difference. The story of the loaves and fishes”, the story of “the water being turned to wine at the wedding”, or the story of the woman whose sons would be sold into slavery if she did not pay off her debts to the creditor. All she had was a small Vessel of oil in her home. Elisha told her to collect pots from her neighbors, so with faith she did. She poured a little oil into each vessel and they remained full. She then was able to sell the oil and pay her debts.
These examples of people putting their Faith in God always remind me that when I extend my meager offerings to the Lord that he will make up the difference and that I am becoming perfected in him.
Comparison and Perfectionism is of this world. It is just another coping mechanism, a desire for control of everything going on around us.
Sometimes it gives a false sense of safety while other times it brings us great suffering. We start to learn it at an early age because the world preaches it none stop. We observed that when everything goes right, we don’t have to experience negative emotions, we don’t have to witness other people experiencing negative emotions either and it can feel a lot more comfortable. We start to think we can control ourselves and others through external circumstances and we use comparison as proof. Often received validation from others added to our desire to get it perfectly right every time.
This cycle is normal in this world and at the same time creates these hard-to-reach expectations for us. Overtime it becomes heavy to carry around the expectations we put on ourselves and others.
We become judgmental of ourselves and other. We use harmful labels like hot mess, lazy, and “I am not enough” for ourselves when we don’t meet our own insane expectations. When in reality maybe we are just tired, overwhelmed and defeated and we are looking for a soft place to land.
There is in no room for grace in perfection and unhealthy compassion. Grace is the pillow, the Lord is always holding for us to land on, but it is also a two way street, the Lord is offering it to you 24/7 365 but if you don’t offer it to yourself and others you won’t truly see that he is offering it to you.
The world wants you to see yourself as limited, lacking, and keep you on the hamster wheel of more. Doing more and being more. Christs hope is that you see yourself as Whole, enough, limitless, and not even of this world.
I love this quote by Zen Chin “A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms.”
We are all blooming at different rates, one is not better than the other just because it bloomed faster, was a brighter color or stayed in bloom longer. Each flower adds to the uniqueness and dimension of a garden. We are in God’s Garden, we have no one to compare ourselves we all contribute to the beauty of the garden.
I say these things in the Name of Jesus Christ Amen. “
Love,