Boundaries, Why have them?
Short answer, boundaries allow us to live authentic lives full of connection and unconditional love!
A lot of people misunderstand boundaries. They think you have boundaries to control others or they think that you only need them if you are in toxic relationships.
Boundaries are rules we set for ourselves in regards to any kind of relationship. They can be mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. They allow us to love unconditionally while protecting ourselves from any mistreatment that doesn’t align with us. Boundaries help us to avoid the pitfalls of “people pleasing” and give us a personal boundary line for when we need to say “No”. Boundaries are a set of parameters for ourselves in the presence of others. Before you even set a boundary it is a good idea to get clear on why you are setting the boundary.
Most of the time we don’t need to tell people our boundaries, we don’t walk around saying if you hit me, then I will leave and call the cops or if you show up to my house without previous notice I won’t answer the door, but if a boundary is violated then we want to communicate with the person that they violated a boundary and the consequences that will happen if they continue to violate that boundary. “ Thank you for stopping by, we love seeing you! Next time you want to stop by will you let me know in advance? I would appreciate that. I won’t be answering the door for unexpected visitors.” It may feel uncomfortable or awkward at first but the discomfort you feel now is usually less than the discomfort of resentment you have for the person who keeps violating your boundary unknowingly and you not saying anything.
To set an emotional boundary ask the person to stop doing the thing that infringes on your personal boundary, then you can tell them what will happen if they do not follow your request. Remember we aren’t trying to control the person, it’s not an ultimatum either, we don’t have to go about it in an aggressive way, we are just simply asking someone to respect your personal and emotional space. We are not taking away their choices, we are telling them that in the areas that affect you, you have a choice too and you are going to do the things that keep you emotionally and physically safe. The follow through after you state your boundary and consequence are important. It shows the person how much you actually respect yourself. If you follow through with the things you say you are going to do, It lets them know you are serious and that the boundary really does exist. It isn’t easy to stick to a boundary especially if we are used to people pleasing but in the long run this boundary allows you to love yourself and others more deeply. We are setting boundaries out of respect for ourselves and respect for others. We cannot create healthy relationships when we have resentment and resistance towards them. Relationships where you don’t honor your boundaries leads to a lot of pretending and then you wonder why you can’t have deep and connecting relationships.
Pretending in a marriage is very damaging. It degrades the trust you have for each other. A lot of times married couples think that boundaries in a marriage are not necessary when they are actually very crucial to the survival of a happy, healthy, marriage. Resentment and pretending are toxic and lack of boundaries breeds resentment, people pleasing and pretending. If you want unconditional love, the ability to be vulnerable, a deeply respectful and connected marriage, then creating boundaries is a great first step. This work provides a safe place for a genuine and intimate relationship to grow. Sometimes it feels scary to set a boundary because you are afraid of making the other person in the relationship upset or angry. You avoid setting the boundaries and try to tell yourself that it’s fine, but really you are preventing yourself from true intimacy and connection and you are lying to yourself, which degrades self-confidence.
People trigger us, it happens and we may want to react by setting a “boundary” so that we don’t have to experience that type of emotion anymore, but we aren’t setting the boundary from a loving place when we are upset. Proper boundaries are set from a place of love, clarity and honor. Often times we get upset because we think someone is violating our boundaries but have we really done a good job at setting the boundary and then speaking your truth? If you find yourself upset and trying to put boundaries in place after triggering situations try asking yourself questions like these to help you gain clarity and understanding;
What can I learn from this experience?
What can I learn from this relationship?
What am I making this all mean?
What am I feeling right now?
How can I use this as an opportunity to take care of myself and create real authenticity?
Awareness and a calm state of mind help you to know why you need and want the boundary, this awareness will help you honor that boundary down the road when it is being tested. Others don’t have to agree or even like your boundaries, They don’t have to understand them either and it’s good to be prepared for that to happen. When you have set your boundaries out of love, respect and awareness you can tell the truth without attacking or yelling at the person. If they choose to feel offended or hurt by your boundary but you have taken action out of love ,then it is not on you and you can move forward with authenticity. You could discuss it further with them and try to understand where they may be coming from, but at the end of the day you need to be honest and true to yourself and stick to your boundaries.
If you find that you have been the one to violate a boundary that can feel pretty crappy and you may question if this person wants you to be apart of their lives anymore. You may have mind drama around it, but remember that if the person told you, then they love and respect you enough to let you know and most likely they are telling you because they do want you to be a part of their life. Do the work on your brain to work through it and work with the person if you want to maintain that relationship. It takes courage to talk about boundaries with each other and it takes courage to stick to them. You got this and just think of how amazing it feels when you live authentically.
Love, Linds